Sometimes Telling the truth Will Make People More Uncomfortable Than the Lie Ever Did

Read that again.

I never thought I would start writing, “What They Didn’t Teach You In Sunday School” and shed light on my experiences and observations of people of faith…but I am. And to keep things clear, yes, I am unapologetically a Christian. Full stop.

We live in a culture that loves secrets and lies. It’s everywhere you look – movies, books, politics, the workplace, our homes, and sadly, even the church.

One of the ways secrets survive is by convincing the person who finally tells the truth that speaking about what happened is somehow the problem (remember the enemy comes to steal, kill and destroy).

I experienced this recently.

I explained to someone why I had left a relationship (maybe you saw my post on social media?) because of a devastating betrayal involving secrets and lies. I felt like I was the lead character in a Lifetime movie. Instead of responding to what had happened, their response was essentially:

Why are you telling me this now?

There was even an implication that perhaps I was sharing the truth to hurt the person who had betrayed me.

That stopped me.

Because think about how twisted that is.

The betrayal wasn’t questioned.
The deception wasn’t questioned.
The secrets weren’t questioned.

Telling the truth was questioned.

Forgiveness and silence are not the same thing.

And I think this exposes something much bigger.

We have become so accustomed to protecting secrets that sometimes we mistake silence for maturity, discretion, forgiveness, or even godliness.

Especially in families, friendships, relationships, and faith communities, there can be tremendous pressure to keep painful things private.

It sounds like:

Don’t embarrass anyone.

Don’t cause division. Don’t bring up the past.

Don’t tell people what happened.

We don’t want a scandal.

We don’t want the kids to know, they would get hurt (how old are the kids – adult children, or elementary age?).

But sometimes telling the truth isn’t revenge. Its necessary to stop and evil, or prevent further harm. I understand we are to forgive, turn the cheek, but have you noticed we were never told to be a doormat to an abuser. Or to suffer in silence.

You really need to hear this part:

You can forgive someone and still tell the truth about what happened. You can pray for someone and still have boundaries. You can love someone and no longer give them access to you. And you can be a person of faith without pretending that betrayal didn’t deeply wound you.

Sometimes telling the truth is simply refusing to participate in the lie anymore.

And that takes confidence and guts.

You also need to know that when you finally speak honestly about betrayal, abuse of trust, deception, or something that has been hidden, you may not receive the response you hoped for.

People you love may question your motives and even gaslight you. People who walked with you through the hard things can turn on a dime with harsh words of judgement.

I heard things like:

You should have known better (really, and why is that?).

How long did you know him (as if that has any bearing on the deceiver who is living a facade).

People of faith may encourage silence and tell you to simply forgive and pray for them. Yes, we are commanded to forgive, but we’re also told explicitly how to handle issues in Matthew 18:15-17. Unfortunately, in my experience, with the shocking lies I encountered, there was no reason to have a meeting to try to bring healing and restoration. Thank God I had great pastoral care and was told to walk away and not fight for the relationship.

Thirteen years ago, I didn’t have sound pastoral care and was shamed and blamed – not a single question was asked. No offer to help. It was absolutely devastating.

I’ve seen this on repeat more times than I can count. Perhaps it’s happened to you too? And honestly, I can’t say I blame anyone for their hesitance to trust again.

These behaviors grieve the Lord. This was not His plan for relationships.

More recently, I requested a meeting with someone to clarify something that was not handled well and even though I received a “yes, we can meet, no problem” response, after two months I hadn’t heard back.

I chose to walk away. It was absolutely clear to me that the issue was not important, neither was I, or our friendship. What was shocking was this was a person who had been very hurt in the past by church leadership and was a current part of church leadership.

I’ve been in church for decades and have realized that pastoral staff is not educated in conflict resolution or trauma response. They are not taught that in seminary. I know, news flash. And they absolutely should be taught that. They are entrusted with people after all.

The church is supposed to be the hospital. A safe haven for the broken hearted.

I wholeheartedly believe, broken relationships, abuse of power, silencing, and shaming the truth teller/seeker grieves the Lord’s heart. We were created for relationships – what better way for the enemy of our soul to hurt God’s creation than to break relationships.

I’m pointing this out because nine times out of ten, people of faith seek counsel from their clergy members and they are sadly failed time and again.

I want to also share that even your closest friends, relatives, and mentors may be more uncomfortable with your truth than they were with someone else’s behavior. I believe this is a mindset influenced my our culture, the status quo, and tradition that needs to be addressed everywhere, but especially in the church body.

Because they are mad that you shared, or asked questions doesn’t automatically mean you were wrong to speak up. Repeat that to yourself as needed.

Yes, betrayal can effect your confidence

As I write this, I have just come out of three years of shocking betrayal and lies. I call it the “trifecta of betrayal“. Family members, professional relationships and friends I trusted.

Because those I trusted were so judgemental and treated these situations so poorly, I started to question myself. I was asking things like:

How did I not see this?

Am I naïve ?

I prayed and sought the Lord first, what happened?

Did I miss what God was saying to me?

Why would He let me go through this?

What, if anything am I supposed to learn from this?

And finally the best one – I’m such an idiot, how could I allow this to happen? How could I trust her/him/them?

Thankfully, the LORD’S GRACE and PEACE comes in like a flood and overtake the LIES of the ENEMY. When you face these types of attacks and betrayals (and you probably will at some point) you MUST stay in the WORD of GOD.

You can battle the enemy by putting on the armor of God as described in Ephesians 6:10-18. HERE is a beautiful prayer from Northwoods Community Church.

If you need to talk through what you’ve went through you can schedule a call with me (I’m a certified Life Coach and am finishing a holistic Biblical Counseling certification). I’m here to help.

I want to hear from you, what has your experience been with speaking up and betrayal? Reach out to me with your thoughts HERE.